I knew this was coming...

So even though we won't have egg retrieval until July, I want to go ahead and get everything needed for legals complete so we don't have to think about it. So I contacted the lawyer, explained that we had found another donor, and asked that we go ahead and start the process. So once she got the go ahead from the clinic, she sent over our retainer letter which we have to sign... along with $500 to pay the new donor's lawyer.

UGH!!!!!!!!!!

When I read that, I just started crying. I knew it was a possibility, but when I asked Jenna all of those questions, it sounded as though there was hope that we wouldn't be out any money. I just forwarded it to Ryan and said "I want to fight this." The problem is, we don't know who to talk to about it. This is a fee that doesn't go to my lawyer, or SDFC, but to a completely different person with whom I don't have any contact. I decided I was going to email Jenna about it and see if there is ANYTHING she can do - maybe she can talk to the donor's lawyer and explain our situation? But Jenna is out of the office until the end of this week. I just didn't even reply to Alison (the paralegal). I couldn't. I'm just so tired of this mess.

But then she emailed us on Friday to make sure we had gotten her email. I replied to her and said "I'm sorry for my late response. We've been trying to figure out what to do because we weren't expecting to pay another $500 for the donor's attorney - especially since the  last time we paid that $500 our original donor backed out on us. I'll get back to you shortly." It's a little snooty. I feel kinda bad about it...kinda.

In the big picture, $500 isn't all that much. But it's just so frustrating that we completely lost $500 - I mean we paid that other lawyer to do a terrible job last time. It probably took 30 minutes of her time to have a phone conversation and not convince these people that they're freaking out over nothing. So I'm going to complain about that. If nothing else, SDFC should cover the cost for us. Am I being ridiculous?

Today we have a phone call with an embryologist at SDFC. We just have some questions about PGS testing. We're wondering if it's really worth the $4,000, especially since we now have to pay $4,000 extra for our new donor. We originally signed up to do it for "family balancing" - basically we want a boy this time. But we are realizing that $4,000 is a steep price for that kind of thing. So we basically want to find out if we don't do it now, and end up with another girl, could we do it later with our frozen embryos for a third pregnancy? I just felt a little sick to my stomach when I typed those words. Ya'll I'll be 36 in September - a THIRD pregnancy?! And I have had so many people tell me - "Another girl would not be the end of the world," "Girls are great - boys are gross," "But Anadine would love a sister." Yes, I understand all of this. But when you can't get pregnant easily, when you are 35 trying to have your second child, and when you have been through everything in the world to have a baby and you are simply trying to find any positive in the situation (and, yes, maybe gender selection could be that positive) then you have to consider it. I know the other side, too... Maybe we're playing God too much. If we could get pregnant easily, the idea of having another girl would not hinder us from trying again. These are the debates we have back and forth all the time. I'm leaning more towards not having the testing done, but I'm also the frugal one.

I mean, y'all, we are crunching numbers right now. We found out we owe over $2,000 in taxes this year. Now we have this giant loan, added costs, and have to find the cash to get out to San Diego when it's time. I wish I could just win the lottery. Or get a huge raise. Or get invited to ELLEN! HA! I mean, where's Oprah when you need her?!

Another Glitch

I will never feel guilty about sending an email or calling to check on the status of things again. I heard back from the lawyer (or the paralegal) regarding my email to them checking to see if they had heard anything from the donor's lawyer. She said that they were planning on having the consultation with the donor on Thursday. Luckily, she saw on my chart that our legals had to be complete by Friday to get the cycle going when we needed, so she did ask the other lawyer if they could move up the consultation to today. I have no idea if that will or can happen, but I'm starting to come to terms with the fact that transfer just probably isn't going to happen in April. Too many things have to fall into line for it to work out, and I just have my doubts.

It's not the end of the world, but I am still so disappointed. It's possible that I can just take some time off of work just after my Easter break, or maybe take a long weekend in early May. But most likely we'll just go with our original plan and go at the end of May when school is out. I know that will be the less stressful option, and it's just a matter of patience to get me there. I do have some other disappointments associated with waiting that late though. For example, if it's successful, the new baby's birthday would be in the same month as Anadine's birthday. Again, not the end of the world I know. Also it would mean not being through my first trimester in time for The Neshoba County Fair. If you are my friend, you know what a big deal this is for me. If you don't know me, or the Fair, I'll just explain it as this week long party in our family's cabin. It is my absolute favorite place, and it's a time when I get to see a lot of extended family. I was 9 weeks into my pregnancy with Anadine when I went to that fair, and I was miserable. Not just with the morning sickness, and not just the fact that I couldn't formally announce that we were pregnant (although people pretty much figured it out because I wasn't drinking and was going to bed at 9:00 every night) but because with any sort of IVF, you're still on all of these medications throughout the first trimester. I was taking progesterone suppositories (which also meant wearing a pad), and wearing estrogen patches. The fair happens the last week of July in Mississippi heat. You spend most of your time outside - and y'all it was just plain uncomfortable. I would much rather be bigger, but in my 2nd trimester by fair time. Yes, it would still mean not drinking and probably going to bed early, but I just think I would be so much better off. Again, none of this is the end of the world - it just adds to my disappointment that we probably aren't going to do this earlier.

I'm not counting myself out just yet, but I am getting myself prepared. I'm just so ready, but I know it will happen eventually and in the best time for us.

UPDATE:
I just got an email (after I emailed them- I told you I wasn't going to be shy anymore) from the paralegal that said the donor has moved her consultation to this afternoon! So now we pray she doesn't have a problem with the legals, so we can sign and be done with this part of it. And then we pray REALLY HARD that my period shows up. I am luckily showing lots of PMS signs, so maybe---just maybe---this may work out after all. Trying to not get my hopes up---yeah right!

You really have to be your own advocate

I continue to find that I have to keep up with my own sh** when dealing with SDFC. I really don't know how anyone goes through their first cycle of anything and gets it right the first time when using them. I am constantly emailing my nurse to ask if I need to be doing anything and her response is kind of like "well, yeah actually you are." I get that they have a million patients and can't keep up with everyone's story, but when dealing with someone like me, who is emailing every other day to give updates, ask questions, etc., you would think they would be able to keep up better.

So here's the newest story.

I was in the shower this morning thinking about how I really hope we hear back from the lawyer soon so we can officially get the calendar, and then I started thinking about the potential calendar that nurse Hilary sent me and how it said "March 20, take last birth control" and I thought "hmm, I wonder when I'm supposed to START taking birth control? I mean, usually you have to start at a certain point in your cycle, and if I need to be be on it for a certain number of days, I probably should have started it with my last cycle." And then I thought, surely they are staying on top of that. Surely they would have told me to start BC if I was in fact supposed to start it.

But then I kept thinking about it. I went back and read through all my emails to make sure I hadn't missed something. I found the first email that Nurse Hilary sent me with the checklist of things to do. I saw where it talked about how I need to take BC for my sonohysterogram, but then could stop taking it until I started my FET cycle. So I thought - okay I didn't miss anything.  Everything is probably okay. But then, I figured I should go ahead and email Hilary and see what's up...just in case. Just to clear my head about it. And y'all - I felt so guilty about it. I thought "I am probably driving her crazy with all my emails. She is probably sitting there thinking that I don't think she knows how to do her job!"

Low and behold her response was "yes, you need to start it day 2 of your cycle and you have to be on it for 10 days before starting medications." Well, I'll be damned -- the potential calendar says I start medications on March 20. Which means I need to be on BCP by March 10 -- THIS FRIDAY! Which means I need to start my period by Wednesday--THIS WEDNESDAY! It is possible that my period will come by Wednesday. That will be my Cycle Day 20 and my cycles have been known to be that short. I'm also not counting on that happening, because you just never know. So now I'm pissed. Now this could potentially mean a May transfer after all...or having transfer day a few days later than I wanted in April, which will mean me missing work because it won't be over my school break any more. All of this could have been solved when I emailed her weeks ago letting her know that I wanted an earlier transfer date. Then she should have told me I needed to start BCP at my next cycle to be sure I was on them long enough before I would start medication.

So now I pray that my period starts in the next two days. What a freakin' weird thing to pray for, but so be it. And I will never feel weird or guilty about bugging my nurse. Apparently it has to be done to make sure things are moving along.

PS. I also emailed the lawyer to check on things there. For all I know, they've gotten the paperwork from my donor's lawyer and it's just sitting on someone's desk with no sense of urgency.

My Heart---It's Melting

Yesterday, Anadine and I were on our way to soccer practice and she strikes up a conversation that melted my heart. Here's how it went...

A: Mommy, why is Miles's daddy your brother? (Miles is her cousin who lives in DC - they adore each other)

Me: Well, Uncle Jim and I have the same mommy and daddy. We grew up in the same house. Then Uncle Jim became a grown up and had a little boy and a little girl. I grew up and had a little girl - you!

A: And a little boy?

Me: Well, no, unless you count Willie (our dog)

A: But what if you had a little baby and he was a boy?

Me: Then he would be your brother (*feeling a little weepy)

A: Well, I think we should have a baby boy so I can have a brother

Me: Well, that would be wonderful. We'll just have to pray to God and ask him to send us a baby

A: (*puts hands together) Dear God, please give us a baby that's a boy tomorrow. Amen

I just about lost my composure then. It was the sweetest thing I've ever heard. Our conversation continued about how we have to say prayers every day and we may not get what we want exactly when we want it. I explained that I had to pray for God to send her to me for a long time and then finally He answered my prayers. It wasn't exactly when I wanted it to happen, but it was also perfect when it did.

I have this feeling that God will listen to Anadine, more than anyone else. Most people do! ha! She has always had this weird and special connection to God. Ever since she was very tiny, she spoke about God as if He were her best friend. I have no doubt that they became very close as she was waiting to be delivered to me. She is, after all, a miracle made by Him.

Moving Along

We received our contract last week, and spoke with the lawyer yesterday. The contract is pretty basic and covers everything we needed/wanted it to. Basically any future relationship we have with our donor is up to us. The contract gives us the ability to contact her, meet her, continue contact with her, etc. but it also protects us from her ability to have any sort of parental rights to a future child or embryo made with her eggs. One thing I thought was interesting is our first meeting (if we choose to meet) has to be arranged through SDFC. So after egg retrieval, I can't simply request to be her friend on Facebook and continue from there. SDFC has to do the arranging, and the lawyer even mentioned that they may want an official meeting with a psychologist to discuss everything. I actually kind of like that idea. To be honest, I haven't completely decided if I want to meet her or not. I may just want to keep it a strictly emailing/Christmas carding kind of relationship. I just don't know.

But anyway, now the contract goes to her for her to review with her lawyer. Once that's done, assuming nobody has any problems with anything, we can sign off on it and get the green light to move forward with the cycle. The lawyer said that she expects that to happen by next week.

I'm freaking out that our donor is going to back out when she reads the contract. Or maybe something else will happen and she backs out. I'm trying to trust her. It's hard to put trust in someone you've never met before though. I guess that's what faith is all about. I'm just praying that she finds peace in her decision to donate her eggs. Because if she backs out, we're back at square one. Please, angel donor, don't back out on us!

It's the waiting that can drive you crazy

Warning: Crazy, Type A lady (me) shows herself in this post. You've been warned...

So I think I just come to this blog when I feel like I don't have any control over what's happening. Typing about not having control helps me feel in control - maybe?

We have checked everything off our list of to-dos. We have paid the clinic our $36,000, we've paid the lawyer the $1,700, we've gotten our blood work completed along with all the other tests needed. Everything is checked off our list, and has been that way since Tuesday. So now we're just waiting to get the calendar...and the waiting is killing me! I'm actually a bit frustrated because I have even emailed my nurse to check in and tell her how anxious I am to get the calendar, and I haven't heard back from her. Granted, I emailed her yesterday around 3:00 our time (that's 1:00 in San Diego), so she hasn't had a full 24 hours yet to reply, but she has had 24 hours since she should have gotten word that we are all set to go.

That wouldn't be so frustrating, but I also emailed the financial lady on Tuesday to make sure we are indeed at a $0 balance. I haven't heard back from her either. And she has definitely had a full 24 hours to respond. What's going on over there in San Diego?!

I'm going to give them to the end of the day, and if I don't hear anything from anybody by then, I'm going to call. I mean, even if they respond back to let me know they're checking on it, right? Even if they are emailing me to tell me to get a grip and it takes a while - just give me a response! Maybe it's because I've been spoiled. CCRM was always excellent at getting back to me within hours of an email. And if I'm honest, Nurse Hilary is usually just as good...but that's also why I'm freaking out a little bit. Communication, people!!

I have to keep telling myself that we have plenty of time, and all will work out when it's supposed to, but I just want a plan. I want to know when things are going to start happening. When do I have to start shots? When will Ryan go out to SD for egg retrieval? Will it work out for me (and maybe Anadine) to go with him? When will transfer be? I need to plan! 


UPDATE
I just received an email from Nurse Hilary (they must read my blog! ha!) that gave me a tentative schedule. She said we have to wait until the legal contract is completed to know for certain. See, I was under the impression that we just had to have the retainer and fees in for them to work up a calendar, and then the contract just had to be complete before egg retrieval. Ugh - it's probably my lack of understanding, but still! She said assuming legal can get their stuff together by March 12, we can do an April 14 transfer. I would start my estrace on March 24 (birth control would be before that and would stop on 3/20). I would have ultrasounds on 3/24, 3/31 and 4/7 which would be perfect because those first two would be during my spring break and I wouldn't have to take off work to drive to Jackson for them. It probably also means egg retrieval would be around 3/31, which is great (I think) because we will be in New Orleans two days before that and Ryan could fly out from New Orleans (way cheaper flights). Of course that's the part that's always iffy because egg retrieval is determined so much by how our donor is responding to the medications. Ryan would be pretty mad if he had to miss the concert we're going to see. I don't know - this is all still up in the air until we get the legal stuff done. I've emailed the legal girl to see how quickly they can get things completed. So now...more waiting. At least I have some sort of idea of what could happen. We may very well be looking at a May transfer - not the worst thing in the world - it would just mean more --- WAITING!

Counseling Session

We had our counseling session yesterday with our priest. It went really well and was much less awkward than I expected it to be. He kind of already knew that we were on this path, but he asked a lot of questions about how we got here (donor eggs) and how we have dealt with that decision. And then we talked about a lot of other stuff completely unrelated. It was very positive and I am so glad to know that I have that continued support system through him. That's why I liked the idea of going to him instead of a phone call with some therapist that I'll never meet. I like the idea of having him as a part of our journey. I've always been strong in my faith, but never extremely religious. And I like this priest because he's bit like that, too. He isn't too pushy, but he does love tradition (I'm Episcopalian, by the way). I just left the session feeling very embraced and loved.

Today is my sonohysterogram. I'll post later about how it goes. By the way, I'm interested to know - is anyone even reading this? Comment below if you are.

Sonohysterogram scheduled - check!

My cycle started today. It's so funny that those 4 words used to send me into tears and now they mean - yay, we get to move forward with something! So it meant that today I could call and schedule my sonohysterogram with my dear old friend, Dr. Isaacs in Jackson.

I'll be going next Thursday. This is the one part of the whole pre-cycle process that I'm most worried about. Mainly because it's checking my uterus, and my uterus is the one and only thing that has anything to do with me in this cycle. It's essentially the only thing I am in charge of - not that I can actually control what's going on in my uterus, but it just feels like the pressure is on! This is the test I have to pass. Plus I'm a little worried because the last time I had this done is when they found the polyp. And they also said that the blood flow wasn't great. So, yeah, I'm nervous. I've quit caffeine, and I'm doing a cleanse this weekend to hopefully rid myself of any toxins in my body. I doubt this will make any difference other than making me feel like I'm doing something. As I've said before, it's the waiting that's so hard in this whole thing. It just makes me feel helpless. So maybe doing something (whether or not it actually helps) will make me feel like I'm helping along the process in some way.

In other news, my blood work has come back and has been faxed over to San Diego. I assume they'll tell me if there's something wrong with it. I've emailed Nurse Hilary to tell her to expect the results, so hopefully she'll respond soon.

So that's it for now! It's been 2 weeks since our donor had her tests done. So I'm waiting patiently for those results. Waiting...waiting...waiting...

Checking Things Off

Okay, so since I last gave an update not much has happened, but a whole lot has happened at the same time. In a way I feel like I'm dealing with something to do with our cycle every day, but there still isn't much to report. But I figured I needed to come in here and give an update anyway - before I forget anything.

1. I had a consultation with our nurse on the phone, but it didn't amount to much other than us hearing each others voices and making a connection. She did send me an email with all of the things that need to be completed before our donor begins her cycle. So that's basically what I have been up to.

2. Our donor went in on Dec. 30th to have the rest of her lab work, psychological consultation, etc. done. They say it takes about 2-3 weeks to get those results back. That's when big (but hopefully not big) news will come in. That's when we will really know if this is a go or not. So another week or so and we should hear something. Fingers crossed!

3. I went in to my doctor on Wednesday to have my blood work done. They're checking for things from thyroid problems to communicable diseases. I'm expecting everything to be in the clear. After all, I just had these done a year ago. But again, fingers crossed!

4. I set things up with my old RE in Jackson to be able to go there for my ultrasounds when we start our transfer cycle. There isn't an RE where we live, so I had two choices: one clinic that is about an hour away, but I don't have a history with them, or my old clinic in Jackson, which is an hour and half away. Plus my parents both still live there so it gives me a home base if I should have to spend the night or something. I'm actually looking forward to seeing my old doctor again. I adored him, even though he didn't ultimately bring me my baby. I also have to get a sonohysterogram done before our donor starts her cycle. I've had this done what seems like a million times before. It's where they will push die into my uterus and look for any abnormalities on a sonogram machine. This is what I had done in Colorado when they found the polyp. I will call them and set that up when my next cycle starts (should be any day now) because it has to be done between cycle days 6-12.

Still to do:

1. Ryan has to get his blood work done. He works in a hospital, so he can just go over there at some point and have it done. I just have to keep reminding him!

2. We have to have a psychological consultation done by a therapist, who then has to send a letter to San Diego. Our nurse gave me permission to just speak to our priest (who I adore and feel comfortable with) so I just need to speak with him to see if he's okay with doing it - I'm sure he will be.

3. We have to apply for a loan. This is a big one. And again, it involves Ryan sitting down with me and doing it. Not to sound like Ryan isn't helping with any of this, but he has been super busy at work lately and we barely seem to get two minutes of time to get these sort of things done. Our money is due before our donor starts her birth control pills, so this is top priority!

So things are moving along. Hopefully we'll be getting some results in soon and I'll have more to share. I'm really excited about our donor though. I just hope it all works out!

Maybe we found a donor?

So I emailed Jenna, the donor coordinator, and let her know our top choice. I don't want to give a lot of details about her, but she's beautiful, smart, and just gives me chills when I read her profile. She seems real, not over the top, AND she notes that she would be willing (in fact would love) to have future contact with the parents. I just really like the idea of being able to stay in touch with the donor, just in case we have any genetic questions down the line.

So now, I'm just waiting to hear back from Jenna.

AND...We're Back!

Hello all! I know, I know... it's been way too long since I last posted anything on here, but honestly there just hasn't been anything to post. I actually spent several months not really thinking about it much, and had a few moments of "well, life is pretty good. Are we sure we want to have another baby?"

And then, like a ton of bricks, the baby fever hit -- big time! I don't know if it was the fact that one of my best friends is pregnant, and watching her glow with her big (but not really big at all) belly just got me sentimental and wanting to be there, too. Or maybe it was that my coworker just had her baby and I got to cuddle with that tiny little girl and smell her sweet smells. Who knows?! But now I am just so desperate to be pregnant again, and to buy the sweet clothes, and change the diapers, and feedings - I am longing for it...yes, even the stuff that takes over your life, and your house, and your sanity! I want the chaos, and that was the part that was scaring me and holding me back from pushing it too much. Crazy how things change!

So, I contacted San Diego again and told them we were ready. We do not have the funds together, but I've decided we just won't. We will have to take out loans, but we can probably save up about half of what we need by the time we have to give them money. But I am getting older, as is Anadine, and I'm just ready. If we wait until the money is completely there, we will never be able to do it.

So last week, we had a financial consultation to find out what our options are as far as financing. The lady we spoke with was very nice and informative. She assured me that SDFC will not nickel and dime us- I guess time will tell. (CCRM was real good about having hidden costs). So we discussed a few options, and depending on which donor we choose, we will figure out which route we will take. There's one option that pays for one egg retrieval and then as many transfers as it takes to get pregnant from that batch of embryos. I think that option costs around $24,000, not including donor compensation and medications for the donor. Another option is a money back guarantee option: if a pregnancy isn't established after 3 transfers, you get your money back. That option costs somewhere around $31,000, not including donor compensation and meds. If the donor we choose is a proven donor (meaning she's done this before and had success), we probably could do option 1. If we choose a new donor, we might want to choose option 2, because you just never know. Either way, it ends up probably being about the same cost because a proven donor is going to cost close to $10,000 in compensation, whereas a new donor will cost $5,000 (makes you want to get in the egg donation business, doesn't it?) Anyway, it's a lot of numbers, a lot of money, and it kinda makes my head hurt. Basically the information we really needed is that the money is due at the start of the cycle - all of the money upfront - there is no financing plan. However, there are loan companies that work directly with SDFC. I knew that before, but needed the refresher. So now we look into that and see what we can get approved for, look at interest rates, etc.

Yesterday, we had a phone consult with our Doctor - Dr. Kettel. We are officially established patients at SDFC! The phone call went about as expected - no new information really, but it basically got us established. Ryan and I started looking at the donor database last night and picked out a few favorites. The next step is to get in contact with the donor coordinator (who we talked to last spring) and get matched with a donor. We'll give her our favorites and she will help us make a decision that works for us.

Once that is done, we will start scheduling things. Right now our plan is to do a freeze all of the embryos and then do a transfer sometime in early June, when I am out of school. Although it would be nice to schedule it during my spring break, just to get things going a little sooner. Doing a freeze all would mean I don't have to worry about syncing my cycle with the donor's. It also means we can do PGS testing on the embryos, which increases the chance of success by being able to choose an embryo that has all of the right chromosomes. And yes, it also gives us an idea of which gender we are transferring in. 

Anyway, stay tuned. I'm hopeful that this blog is going to be getting more interesting in the coming months. Now, off to find a donor!

What do you say? What do you ask?

It's National Infertility Awareness Week. Eight years ago if someone had said those words to me, I would have thought aw, yeah that's good that someone out there is thinking about those poor people, but it would have never been me. You never think it's going to be you. In fact, I had a friend whose sister was going through IVF and I thought Wow! That poor girl! I don't know how she does it! And then two years later I WAS doing it. So, yeah, here I am to spread awareness. This year's theme (set by the Resolve people) is Start Asking. It's a challenge to ask the big questions and to challenge others to also ask those big questions.

It got me thinking about what I want people to ask me, first and foremost. It's a tricky thing to know what to say to people who are going through something that you know so little about. I think everyone going through infertility wants something different (we are female after all!) Some people don't want people to say or ask anything, but they want to feel supported and loved. Some people want people to ask how they are feeling or handling the situation. For me, I want you to ask questions so that I can help you understand the process better.

I knew so very little about the reproductive system before all of this infertility stuff. I had taken my Biology classes. I had discussed female anatomy with my mom when I was hitting puberty, and we had the school wide "girl talk" when I was in fourth grade. But I really didn't understand the ins and outs of how a baby was made inside of the female body. I knew I had a uterus and ovaries. I had heard of Fallopian tubes. I knew there was sperm involved and eggs, yadda yadda yadda. But how did they all fit together? How did they work? I didn't know any of that, until I had to.

What I don't like is when people ask questions like "so you're going to need a surrogate?" or make comments like "maybe adoption would be easier" when they don't bother to understand that my uterus is fine. My uterus has never been the problem. No one is telling me I can't be pregnant - it's the getting pregnant part that's hard. Surrogacy would do me absolutely no good. Surrogacy and adoption are great options for people who have very different problems than me.

 
So, yeah, I think I want people to ask about the details - to make an effort to understand things better. Infertility is a huge umbrella from male factor issues, to egg issues, to tubal issues, to uterus issues. There is unexplained infertility and infertility dealing with multiple losses. The one thing we all have in common is that we are fighting to become somebody's mommy.

I don't have a problem explaining things to people. I have been known to draw diagrams for people to help them understand better. I try not to overwhelm people with too much information before they're ready though. That's why I want people to ask. I don't want people to assume they know or be afraid to ask the dirty questions. That's part of why I started this blog. My friends who know me well know that I have no shame in using the big, "dirty" words, and talking about things that make other people queezy. So ask away! I'm here to answer to the best of my knowledge.

So, what will I be asking? I'll be asking for more infertility insurance benefits. It's insane how little insurance will cover if it is tied to infertility in any way. I'll also be asking my community for events to honor people suffering with infertility. We have 5K runs for all sorts of causes around here - but not for infertility. Why? It's time for people to stop being embarrassed about their situation. We didn't do this to ourselves. I didn't ask for deformed Fallopian tubes. I didn't ask for a diminished ovarian reserve. I didn't do anything to get dealt this card. But here I am, and I'm ready to stand up and

Polyp Removal

I thought this picture was so funny when I saw it. I remember those days of standing on my head and doing all sorts of stuff to try to get pregnant. I guess I am doing all sorts of stuff to try to get pregnant now, they are just a little more doctor involved. I'm lucky that my husband still has the attitude of "we're in this together." Bless him for that!

So I had the surgery yesterday to remove the polyp. All went well and it is out of there. They have sent it off just to make sure it's nothing more serious, but no one suspects it is. I am in a little bit of pain today, but nothing too unbearable. I probably pushed it going back to work the next day though. I started off strong, but this afternoon I am feeling pretty weak and sore. I keep getting little twinges in my lower stomach that make me want to curl up in a bed, but I keep reminding myself that I have been through far worse and it is all for a good cause. My throat is the worst part of it. Something about the tube they put in my throat must have really irritated it. I don't ever remember having that problem from past surgeries, but hopefully it will go away soon.

I do feel like I have at least made a step in the right direction. Now this is out of the way and we can move on once we have the money together.

I had a conversation with my brother and sister in law during Easter to let them know what was going on. They were pretty supportive of the whole thing and really didn't give me a hard time about any of it. My brother did ask me if we had considered adoption, to which I basically replied...

I explained that at least doing it this way I get to be pregnant and carry the baby. And at least it will be half Ryan's DNA. I understand that adopting is a wonderful thing to do, and I am certainly not opposed to it. But there is still heartbreak and financial burden associated with it. It is not an easy thing to do, and we're simply not there yet. He understood that though.

So now Ryan and I have to really sit down and plan out a budget to get money together. We have to figure out how much we can save each month and really look into grants and loans that we can get. Our testing from CCRM will expire at the end of the year, so we really need to aim for doing the IVF by sometime in the fall. This blog may get a little boring for a while, but I appreciate you all staying with me.

OBGYN Appointment

Sorry it has been awhile since I last posted. There hasn't been much to report, as we are still at a stand still until we get some of these things taken care of. I had my yearly with my OBGYN yesterday though, so now I have something to tell. First of all, this is a new OBGYN as we have moved since my last yearly appointment. I actually would have just driven the 2 hours to the guy who delivered Anadine because I love him that much, but he's not on our insurance. However, I LOVE this new guy just as much. He sat down with me and had me explain my whole complicated history to him. It's always funny when doctors see my chart and see that overall I am a pretty healthy person - good weight, no diseases, typical family history, normal cycles, etc. but then I have all of this fertility stuff. Not just one BAM - blocked tubes, but BAM BAM - low ovarian reserve, and then this time is was a BAM BAM BAM - she also has a polyp on her uterus that needs to be removed. They get really confused when they see that I had a tubal ligation (tubes were tied) in March 2011 and a c-section in February 2012. I have to explain that they tied my tubes to give me the best chances of IVF, but that tying my tubes wasn't really all that necessary because my tubes are deformed and unlike anything any doctor has ever seen or heard of (at least the doctors I've ever talked to!)

Anyway, we did my yearly and pap smear so that I'm all up to date on that. As far as he could tell, everything looked good. Then we talked about getting this polyp out. We scheduled it for April 5, which is two weeks away! I am so glad we can go ahead and get it taken care of. It will be an out patient surgery, but they will put me to sleep and I will have a little bit of recovery time afterwards. He said it is technically a D&C, which I wasn't a big fan of using that terminology, but whatever. I'm just ready for it to be over with! Here is what made me love him - he is filling out the insurance forms and tweaked my charts to make it look like I am having this done because of irregular bleeding so insurance will pay for it. That means we are not paying $1200 out of pocket. We will be paying more like $650, plus we'll meet our deductible. It's still a lot of money that I'd rather not pay, and if my organs were normal I wouldn't have to pay it, but OH WELL here I am whether I like it or not.

In other news, I'll be seeing my brother and his family this weekend because they're coming down south for Easter. The exciting part: I get to meet my new niece (born in December). The not so exciting part: I have to have a sit down with my family and explain my decision to them to use donor eggs. My parents both already know, but my brother is the one that I'm nervous about telling. I really think when it comes down to it he will be very supportive and understanding. I just hope I can clearly explain why I want to go this route and why it's so important for me to have another baby. Wish me luck!

Bad Days

Today has just been one of those days. I don't really know why. I have no idea what set me off. But it has just been one of those days. We have a Eucharist service on Wednesday mornings at the school where I teach, and as we were waiting for the service to start I just kept thinking "man, am I in a bad mood today!" I just kept thinking about how unfair it is that I have to go through this to have a baby. It wasn't even that I was thinking about the donor egg aspect of it, just the fact that I have to go through IVF to make a baby. Why me?

Can I tell you how many times I have asked that question. WHY ME? What did I do? Why am I being punished?

Through all of the challenges that I have had in my life (and I'll be honest, I really haven't had many horrific challenges, but I've had a few) I have always come out of them understanding God's reasoning. But this is hard to understand.

I have struggled and I have made it out on the other side. I have a beautiful little girl whom I love more than life itself. It's 6 years later (after discovering my blocked tubes) and I still don't understand why I had to go through all of that. Is it because God didn't think I would love my child enough if I didn't have to work so hard for her? I truly doubt that. I joke that He made it challenging for me because he knew if it was easy I would be the lady with 18 children because I love being a mom that much. And I do (love being a mom that much) but I wouldn't REALLY have 18 children - I'd probably stop around 3 or 4. HA!

So why? Is it because Ryan and I needed to know we could make it through this challenge in our marriage? Can we officially say we have "made it?" Believe me, God has given us plenty of challenges to get through without throwing in this infertility thing. I just really don't get it.

It's this waiting part of it that's so hard. It's so hard to process the fact that we can't move on with anything until we have the money. I've put a hold on looking into fertility clinics for a while because I know that we won't be able to do anything until we make a plan for saving this money and get the majority of it. I am working on filling out grant applications, so that's keeping me somewhat busy. I also just became a consultant for Pampered Chef to help try to make some extra money. But we're still looking at not being able to go through with any of the IVF process until at least 6 months from now. We can't even secure a donor until 3 months before we plan to cycle. So, we just wait...we wait for another miracle. We pray that God shows us a way to find the money. We save, save, save, and we wait.

My miracle baby is 4!

She was so excited about the princess dress she got. 

Our little miracle celebrated her 4th birthday on Sunday. I can't believe how quickly the last 4 years have flown by. All day yesterday (leap day) I kept thinking about how close she was to being a leap year baby. I imagine I'll think about that every four years!

She insisted on wearing her "birthday hat" headband. It's really a St. Patrick's day headband that we got for an upcoming pep rally at school, but who's going to argue with the birthday girl? I thought it was a great idea! It fit perfectly with her newest fashion must have: a bun with a headband (it's how Cinderella wears her hair). 

As we sang "Happy Birthday" she waited patiently to blow out her candle.

To celebrate on her birthday we went to visit family in Mississippi (mainly grandparents). We ate lunch at one of her favorite places - a cute little soda fountain restaurant in the heart of Jackson. If you've ever seen the movie "The Help" you've probably seen it. She enjoyed a lunch of pancakes, birthday cake, and a milkshake. We were definitely sugared up, but hey, it was her birthday!

Anyway, we had a great time and I (as I always do) got teary when we started singing "Happy Birthday" to her. It never fails! I can't help but remember how much we all prayed for this baby girl and how much she is loved by so many.

Yesterday, she got to celebrate at school for the first time. As a teacher, I have celebrated many a child's birthday in my classroom, so it was fun being the mommy for a change. The picture to the left is a picture of her getting ready to say the blessing - I love that she goes to an Episcopal school where this type of behavior is encouraged. I love her heart for God! She was so excited to have mommy AND daddy at school with her (she gets to see me there every day, so daddy was an extra special treat). They had cupcakes and sang "Happy Birthday" to her and she got her special birthday crown.

This weekend she'll have yet another celebration with her friends. We have invited 6 of her little friends from school for her official birthday party. We're having it at the children's museum here in town. She cannot wait! This is really the first time that we have had a real birthday party with kids her age. In the past it has just been family and close friends (mommy and daddy's close friends, not necessarily her's). It should be a good time. I'm a believer in celebrating your birthday week, so I supposed I'm just passing that along. ha!

SDFC Phone Consult

We had our phone consult with the donor coordinator (Jenna) at San Diego Fertility Center yesterday afternoon. She was incredibly informative, was ready to answer all of our questions, and really put our minds at ease. I don't have a single doubt that if we chose to go to SDFC, we would be in the best of hands for completing a donor egg cycle.

She walked through the process with us, detailing each step of a donor egg cycle. We would have to do a trial run cycle, in which I would start estrace (estrogen) when my period began to increase the lining of my uterus. I would have to have 3 total ultrasounds (one baseline and then 2 more at one week apart) to check to make sure my lining was increasing. Throughout that cycle I would increase the estrace gradually to see how my uterus responds. Then I would take progesterone to make my period start, start birth control pills to link up my cycle with my donor's cycle, then begin to process again to build up my lining to prepare for transfer. Estrace and Progesterone: my two least favorite of the drugs! And then when I actually do the cycle, they will add in lupron (the shot that burns as I remember it!) Ah well, the things we do!

I asked if they had a bank of frozen eggs available. She said that they didn't really do a lot of donor egg cycles with frozen eggs because the technology hasn't developed enough to successfully freeze single cells. She said that they are constantly trying to develop new ways to make it more successful, but their thoughts are that using frozen eggs at this juncture does not have enough success for them to promote it. I found this information very helpful since that was one of the things I liked about the Chicago clinic ($15,000 cycle for a frozen donor egg cycle). I remember Dr. Surrey at CCRM saying something similar, so it's easy to trust her: they have found great success with freezing and thawing embryos, but eggs just don't have enough cells to keep them viable.

Ryan asked her to explain what should make their clinic stand out above the rest. He explained that we were doing a little bit of shopping around, and while we love their customer service (so to speak) San Diego is certainly not our cheapest option in regards to treatment or travel expenses. She said that they are really the pioneers in donor egg IVF. She said that CCRM is known for their successes in IVF and embryo testing: they have an impeccable lab and are on the front end of developments in IVF treatments and protocols (exactly!). Basically what she said, although not in these exact words, is that SDFC is for donor egg IVF what CCRM is for regular IVF. Their founder started donor egg IVF something like 24 years ago, and the first ever donor egg baby is not 32 years old (I don't know if those are the exact numbers, but you get the gist). Basically, they've been at it for a lot longer than most clinics.

So, right now, they are top on my list and I think Ryan agrees. He was very pleased with the consult yesterday. We both know it will probably be a while though because we have to figure out the money issue. SDFC does have an agency that they partner with a lot who does infertility loans. Jenna is supposed to send me some information on that. I'm also looking into grants some more because now I know that they will accept money from third party lenders (CCRM wouldn't so I didn't want to go through the grant process if they wouldn't accept the money - a lot of grants want to pay directly to the clinic).

I also have to get this polyp removed before we can do anything else. I have an appointment with my new OBGYN on March 22, and we'll hopefully be able to schedule the removal for soon after. It looks like this is going to be a pretty long process. I would be thrilled if I could get pregnant this summer, but it's looking more and more like it will be closer to a year from now.

Thanks for hanging in there with me!

Comparing Clinics

So I have been spending the last several days searching and comparing fertility clinics across the US. My head is swimming with information. I have gone on the SART website and checked the stats on any fertility clinic in any place that either a. has family in that city or b. would be a cool place to visit. I have looked into the top 5 clinics on the list of "best fertility clinics for donor eggs." I have little notes all over the place for each clinic where I have jotted down prices, donor information, etc. It's been crazy!

San Diego- I have continued to be in contact with the nice lady at SDFC. She has been incredibly helpful. We have a phone consult with her on Monday afternoon to discuss more specifics. The problem with SDFC is its location. Out of all of our options, it would be the most difficult for us to get to. It would probably be an expensive place to stay as well. What I do like about them is their large donor database, and obviously the friendly coordinator who has been so accomodating.

Chicago - Looking at the SART website, Advanced Fertility Center of Chicago's numbers really look good. In 2015, they did 45 donor egg transfers with a 91% success rate. 45 isn't a big number of transfers (compared to San Diego's 88), but 91% success rate is hard to look past. The other pluses for this clinic is that it would be fairly easy to get to from here, and we have family in Chicago which means a free place to stay. The other thing about this clinic is they have a fairly large frozen donor egg bank. This would mean a much lower cost (I think the cost quoted on their website is $15,900) and a lot less planning (I wouldn't have to sync up my cycle with a donor). I'll probably post about frozen vs. fresh donor eggs at a later time - I really have to look more into this. I hadn't even thought about it before I saw it on their website. The annoying thing about this clinic is the nurse I have been in contact with hasn't been the most approachable person. Granted, I have only talked to her through email, but she hasn't been very forthcoming with answers to my questions. I have just emailed back a questionnaire she wanted me to fill out, so we'll see if we can get a consult scheduled with them soon.

New Jersey- They are the second on the list of "best fertility clinics for donor eggs" and their stats look good. I have called them and gotten some pricing. Their prices for their cycles are about the same as SDFC. Who wants to go to New Jersey anyway? I'm going to keep them in the back of my mind, but I just don't really see that being worth it.

Dallas- I have emailed and called them. Still no response. I'm a little annoyed by that. Looking closer at their stats, they have an 88% success rate for fresh donor eggs, but only did 40 transfers in that year. I still think those are good statistics, and it sure would be convenient. I just want them to call me back already. The real deciding factor there would be the cost and amount of donors in their database.

So that's what I have for now. I've looked at several other clinics, but these are the top 4 at the moment. It makes me sad to be officially saying goodbye to CCRM, but 7 donors in the database at $40,000 just isn't going to cut it. We have a follow up phone consult with Dr. Surrey next Thursday. I'm debating whether or not to cancel it. It seems silly to pay another $100 to tell him we aren't going to be seeing him again. Although I still have some questions for him regarding my Doppler test on my uterus. We also haven't gotten the whole report on the semen analysis yet. I guess I should decide pretty soon what to do about that!

Go Fund Me

I have started a go fund me account. I really hate that it has come to this, but I'm desperately trying to figure out ways to pay for all of this. I'm posting it here mainly to see if the link works and to get advice on what y'all think of it. I'm not quite ready to put in on Facebook yet. I know eventually it will have to be done, but I need to warn some people about that first (like my mom!) Let me know what you think. Seriously, criticism welcomed!

https://www.gofundme.com/poseypartyof4

Sometimes I have to let myself be sad - just for a minute

My co-teacher told me today she's pregnant. I'm happy for her - truly I am. She has been trying to get pregnant for a while now, and she isn't someone who gets pregnant at the drop of a hat. She has wanted this for a long time. She has a beautiful little boy already. She's a great mom and a good person. I am happy for her.

But I'm sad for me. Is that ridiculous? It makes me feel so selfish. I have my beautiful little girl and I feel so incredibly lucky - really blessed - for that miracle baby. I just feel like my family is not complete yet and it makes me sad that it won't ever just happen. I have come to terms with this, don't get me wrong, but sometimes I just have to let myself be sad about it again. When I hear stories (like I heard today) of someone taking a pregnancy test just because they felt like it and then surprising her husband because he had no idea it was even possible, it makes me sad that I will never get that. I know I have so much to be thankful for, and I have my own story of taking a pregnancy test and finding out I'm pregnant. Believe me, I don't ever forget how lucky I am, and it does ease the blow SO MUCH! It's just sometimes I want my story to be a little different. Sometimes I wish I didn't have to figure out how to get $30,000 to make a baby. Sometimes I wish I didn't have to make decisions about fertility clinics and donor eggs. Sometimes I hate the fact that I have these deformed tubes. Sometimes I just want to be able to have sex with my husband and get pregnant.

Okay, rant over. Sorry I had to put all of that out there. I know it's not a fun thing to read, but this is my safe place and it's better that I rant here instead of to anyone else.

On a happier note, one of my students walked in this morning with a giant stuffed zebra for Anadine - his Valentine's gift for her. Talk about making my heart melt. It was just about the sweetest thing I've seen in a long time.