Loans and money

I hate that I'm always talking about money on here, but that's the part of this whole journey that continues to be the biggest source of stress for me. So basically we got approved for a loan of $25,000. That leaves us with $12,000 that we have to come up with out of pocket. Keep in mind, all of this has to be paid upfront before our donor can start any of her treatment. We have come up with about $5,000 so now we're scrounging for $7,000 more. Ryan went to the bank yesterday to see if we can take out a small loan, so we're waiting to hear back about that.

I have spent the entire weekend crying over this. I HATE that we have to deal with this to have a baby. We had this big talk about how we are not only going to be bringing another child into the world and the added expenses of that, but we're also going to be desperately trying to pay off these loans. Y'all, I had a complete break down. At one point I said "maybe we just shouldn't do this. Maybe I should just suck it up and be happy with our one beautiful child." But the thing is, I've gotten my hopes up. I've started swooning at the thought of being pregnant, having a newborn, going through all of those funny phases of walking and talking and learning. I just don't understand why life is so unfair sometimes. Why is it so difficult for us and so easy for others?

Sonohysterogram

I had my sonohysterogram last Thursday and all looked good. Whew! It was good and weird to see Dr. Isaacs again. I felt a little awkward because we aren't using his clinic for the cycle, but I'm sure that's all in my head and he understands. But there are no polyps and the uteran lining looked great. And it wasn't nearly as painful or uncomfortable as I remembered! I even asked him if he was sure he put the saline in because I seriously did not feel a thing. I was nervous because they suggest you take 2 Ibprofin before your appointment, and as I was driving to Jackson I realized I forgot to take some with me. I thought about stopping at a store and getting some, but then decided that nah, I'd be able to handle a little pain. Well, there was no pain! Yay!

Ryan and I talked last night and we're going to see if we can move transfer up a few months. I just don't want to wait until June. So we're going to see if we can do it either during my spring break at the end of March, or during Easter break in April. I'm hoping for March because 1. it's sooner, 2. it would mean a November baby instead of a Christmas baby, and 3. it wouldn't interfere with Anadin's Easter. But I'm afraid the end of March will be pushing it time-wise. All of our tests are complete. Ryan did his blood work today so we just have to wait for those results, which should take a few days. And then we're waiting to get word back from the loan company. As soon as they can send the money to the clinic, our donor can start the cycle. So if that happens soon enough, then March could work. Fingers crossed!

Counseling Session

We had our counseling session yesterday with our priest. It went really well and was much less awkward than I expected it to be. He kind of already knew that we were on this path, but he asked a lot of questions about how we got here (donor eggs) and how we have dealt with that decision. And then we talked about a lot of other stuff completely unrelated. It was very positive and I am so glad to know that I have that continued support system through him. That's why I liked the idea of going to him instead of a phone call with some therapist that I'll never meet. I like the idea of having him as a part of our journey. I've always been strong in my faith, but never extremely religious. And I like this priest because he's bit like that, too. He isn't too pushy, but he does love tradition (I'm Episcopalian, by the way). I just left the session feeling very embraced and loved.

Today is my sonohysterogram. I'll post later about how it goes. By the way, I'm interested to know - is anyone even reading this? Comment below if you are.

The Test Results Are In!

The genetic screening for our donor is complete, and all looks good. She isn't a carrier of any mutations, and her drug screening came back clear, so obviously that all is great! We also received her psych report and all looks good there. It was pretty interesting because we got the actual notes from the counseling session. It gave a pretty good insight to her personality. While some of the questions were repeats from the profile we had, we got more detailed answers - and I LOVED everything I read. She sounds very smart, energetic, and just like a decent human being. YAY!

Sonohysterogram scheduled - check!

My cycle started today. It's so funny that those 4 words used to send me into tears and now they mean - yay, we get to move forward with something! So it meant that today I could call and schedule my sonohysterogram with my dear old friend, Dr. Isaacs in Jackson.

I'll be going next Thursday. This is the one part of the whole pre-cycle process that I'm most worried about. Mainly because it's checking my uterus, and my uterus is the one and only thing that has anything to do with me in this cycle. It's essentially the only thing I am in charge of - not that I can actually control what's going on in my uterus, but it just feels like the pressure is on! This is the test I have to pass. Plus I'm a little worried because the last time I had this done is when they found the polyp. And they also said that the blood flow wasn't great. So, yeah, I'm nervous. I've quit caffeine, and I'm doing a cleanse this weekend to hopefully rid myself of any toxins in my body. I doubt this will make any difference other than making me feel like I'm doing something. As I've said before, it's the waiting that's so hard in this whole thing. It just makes me feel helpless. So maybe doing something (whether or not it actually helps) will make me feel like I'm helping along the process in some way.

In other news, my blood work has come back and has been faxed over to San Diego. I assume they'll tell me if there's something wrong with it. I've emailed Nurse Hilary to tell her to expect the results, so hopefully she'll respond soon.

So that's it for now! It's been 2 weeks since our donor had her tests done. So I'm waiting patiently for those results. Waiting...waiting...waiting...

Checking Things Off

Okay, so since I last gave an update not much has happened, but a whole lot has happened at the same time. In a way I feel like I'm dealing with something to do with our cycle every day, but there still isn't much to report. But I figured I needed to come in here and give an update anyway - before I forget anything.

1. I had a consultation with our nurse on the phone, but it didn't amount to much other than us hearing each others voices and making a connection. She did send me an email with all of the things that need to be completed before our donor begins her cycle. So that's basically what I have been up to.

2. Our donor went in on Dec. 30th to have the rest of her lab work, psychological consultation, etc. done. They say it takes about 2-3 weeks to get those results back. That's when big (but hopefully not big) news will come in. That's when we will really know if this is a go or not. So another week or so and we should hear something. Fingers crossed!

3. I went in to my doctor on Wednesday to have my blood work done. They're checking for things from thyroid problems to communicable diseases. I'm expecting everything to be in the clear. After all, I just had these done a year ago. But again, fingers crossed!

4. I set things up with my old RE in Jackson to be able to go there for my ultrasounds when we start our transfer cycle. There isn't an RE where we live, so I had two choices: one clinic that is about an hour away, but I don't have a history with them, or my old clinic in Jackson, which is an hour and half away. Plus my parents both still live there so it gives me a home base if I should have to spend the night or something. I'm actually looking forward to seeing my old doctor again. I adored him, even though he didn't ultimately bring me my baby. I also have to get a sonohysterogram done before our donor starts her cycle. I've had this done what seems like a million times before. It's where they will push die into my uterus and look for any abnormalities on a sonogram machine. This is what I had done in Colorado when they found the polyp. I will call them and set that up when my next cycle starts (should be any day now) because it has to be done between cycle days 6-12.

Still to do:

1. Ryan has to get his blood work done. He works in a hospital, so he can just go over there at some point and have it done. I just have to keep reminding him!

2. We have to have a psychological consultation done by a therapist, who then has to send a letter to San Diego. Our nurse gave me permission to just speak to our priest (who I adore and feel comfortable with) so I just need to speak with him to see if he's okay with doing it - I'm sure he will be.

3. We have to apply for a loan. This is a big one. And again, it involves Ryan sitting down with me and doing it. Not to sound like Ryan isn't helping with any of this, but he has been super busy at work lately and we barely seem to get two minutes of time to get these sort of things done. Our money is due before our donor starts her birth control pills, so this is top priority!

So things are moving along. Hopefully we'll be getting some results in soon and I'll have more to share. I'm really excited about our donor though. I just hope it all works out!