Yesterday afternoon, as my class was packing up and lining up to dismiss, my phone rang. It was an unknown number, so I ignored it. Then I noticed whoever it was left a voice message. Well, you know how you can read the transcription of voicemails now? This is great technology for when you're a teacher and can't actually lift your phone to your ear when you have a class. So I started reading it, and after reading the first line "Hey Rebecca, this is Jenna from SDFC and I have some pretty bad news for you" my heart sank. I forgot kids were in the room and went ahead and lifted that phone to my ear (bad idea) because what she said next was devastating and I had to hold myself together 1 more minute before the bell rang and the kids could leave my classroom.
My donor has decided to drop out.
She doesn't want to donate her eggs anymore.
I have been praying her name for the past 3 months, we are a week away from starting the cycle, and she has decided to quit. To her, I was a nobody. She had no connection to me whatsoever. But to me, she was a part of my family already. I had been looking at her picture daily, reading her profile, imagining my baby with her bright blue eyes. She was a part of me and my family's future. And she quit.
Apparently, her husband got freaked out by all the stuff in the legal contract suggesting that there could be medical complications with the procedures. I can't blame him for freaking out. I can, however, blame him for waiting so long to freak out. And I can blame her for keeping him in the dark about it this whole time. And I can blame them for not realizing that there are risks with all medical procedures, but they are very unlikely - AND, WELL, WHAT ABOUT ME?! And then I feel selfish, of course. She was giving a major gift. She was about to do things to her body for my benefit. I get it. But I'm angry as Hell!
I cried. I cried all afternoon. I cried when I told Ryan. I cried when I told my mom. I cried when I looked at the donor database for other options. I cried when I thought about how much time this adds to our plan. I cried and cried and cried. And now I feel empty. I'm exhausted. And I don't even want to think about this anymore. I don't want to do the online dating search for another donor. They all have flaws - I'm dealing with all of these emotions again- "what am I looking for?" "Why doesn't she look like me?" "But she needs to be just like me!" Really, I just can't believe we're back to this part.
Jenna sent an email with the profile of a donor who favors our original donor in a lot of ways. And I like her a lot. She was one of our original favorites. She's a proven donor which means she's not going to back out. She's done this before and she's had success before. BUT that means she costs $5,000 extra dollars in compensation. And while Jenna told me that's the best money we'll ever spend, there is just no way we could come up with another $5,000.
So, we keep looking. There's one girl that I like. She's also donated before, but only once, so her compensation is $6,000 (we would owe $1,000 extra - we can do that) but she's not available to start a cycle until May 15. We keep looking. But first we mourn, but we keep looking. Because I'm ready. I'm so sick and tired of the roadblocks.
But a baby is coming.
Just not how we planned, when we planned, or anything the way we planned.
Welcome to the world of infertility... It's the absolute worst place to be.