Wow. It's been a long time since I have even looked at this blog, let alone written an entry in it. So much has happened in the last three and a half years with our little miracle baby, and we have loved (almost) every minute of it. I'll be honest...this age (3) has just about killed me. She is such a headstrong (too smart for her own good) child. I keep telling myself that her headstrong personality is what got her here in the first place. Her persistence, even as a little embryo, is what made her "stick" and it's why she's here today. I truly believe that. She's tough, resilient, and also perfect in every way!
So I guess I should mention why I am here, looking at my blog, and posting again for the first time in years. It seems as though we are about to embark on the IVF journey again...well, maybe. We have a phone consultation appointment tonight with Dr. Surrey at CCRM. We're going straight to the big guns this time. There's no need to waste our time elsewhere. I don't expect much from the phone consult. I remember last time it was mainly just a way for them to charge me $300 to tell me I need to come our for a one day work up for them to really determine anything, but it's gotta be done and so we'll do it.
The one day work up will really be where we get the answers to my main question: do I need to just use donor eggs this time around? I fully expect for them to say yes, I do. I'm trying to prepare myself for that possibility. And, to be honest, I don't know what I'll do at that point. Before Anadine, I was so determined to have a baby that I was willing to do anything it took to get there. Now that I've seen what my eggs and Ryan's sperm can create, I don't know how I would feel about doing it any other way. But at the same time, I so desperately want Anadine to have a sibling. And y'all, she NEEDS a sibling! ha! So, I just don't know... I guess we'll see when we get there.
It's funny. Even after finding success in getting pregnant, having a beautiful and healthy baby, and raising her to be the fun, spunky, and crazy three year old I hoped for, I still find myself letting my struggles with infertility define me. I really do hate that, but I truly can't help it. I have found peace with it. I know it's a part of my life story, and that's okay. In fact, I feel so much more at peace this time around. It's not so much a goal that I have to reach this time. It's more of a decision to just try and see what happens. But it still hurts when people ask if we'll have more children. I find myself just blurting out "well, we have to do IVF to get pregnant, so when we get $20,000 maybe." That's so not fair to that person, I know, but I can't help it. I just throw up at the mouth sometimes. And now Anadine is asking for a baby brother. I just tell her to pray to God for one, but bless her heart, it takes a little more than that (though, believe me, prayers are being said!)
I'm excited, but nervous. I just recently started feeling like my body was back to normal. My hormones are finally balanced out, and my weight is back to what it was before we started IVF. And now I'm looking at starting all over again. But, it's all worth it...I think!