Monday, January 11, 2016

Endless thoughts

Make the thinking stop! I hate this waiting game. I am a planner - type A, OCD, crazy person, planner. I can't help it. It's part of my nature and it's something I have accepted about myself. It drives Ryan crazy because he is the complete opposite. In fact, our fights usually revolve around me having a plan, time frame to get things done, etc. and him, well, not.

Usually, I am proud of my planning tendencies. I am fairly organized and prepared (well, most of the time). But it's what makes times like this, in my world of infertility, so excruciatingly painful. I'm ready to plan. I'm ready to know when we're going to cycle, if we're going to cycle. I'm ready to start the process of choosing a donor, if we have to choose a donor. But none of that can be planned until we know the answers. So now, all that's left to do is wonder and make several plans, all of which probably won't happen the way I plan them, but alas it makes me feel better anyway.

So, all of that is to say that I  have been thinking..a lot. I have been preparing myself for the worst in regards to news we'll get at the work up in February. Call me a pessimist if you want, but it has become my coping strategy. It dates back to that horrible day I found out my tubes were "blocked." I went in there with the idea that it may solve our problems, and came out realizing my problems were far worse than I ever anticipated. And then I got my hopes up for that first IVF since I was so young and "only had a tube problem." After those failures, and finding out I also have an egg problem, I figured out that it's best to never get my hopes up in regards to my fertility. Expect the worst, pray for something better.

So, that leads me to now - I'm expecting them to say I need to use donor eggs. Actually, that wouldn't be the worst thing they could tell me. If I'm truly honest, I could think of several things they could tell me that would be far worse - like my uterus is too damaged to ever carry a baby again - but we just simply won't go there. In fact, I'm just hoping for some clear cut answers. I don't want to go there and them say "well, you might have a chance with your eggs, but we're just not sure." I don't want to have to make the decision. I either want them to say, "yes, we can do this" or "no, we can't."

Okay, I keep getting off track. My whole point of this post is that I am preparing myself for the idea of using donor eggs. I'm trying to get my head wrapped around it, and I'm actually warming up to the idea. I know I won't love the child any less.  There have been studies that show that a fetus actually acquires genetic tissue from the mother while in the womb. That the bonding that happens in the womb far out ways the genetic material from the egg itself. Using donor eggs would mean a much better shot at being pregnant and having second child. We know that for a fact. It would also, most likely, give us enough embryos to freeze to possibly go for a third child later on, if we so desired. Using donor eggs would mean subjecting myself to fewer hormones, less physical pain (no egg retrieval, bloated ovaries, etc), and less time commitment (daily ultrasounds, etc). So, I'm seeing the pros more than the cons.

But, the big con I do see is this: what will other people think? I don't mean what they will think of me. I could care less what they think of me. What will they think of my child - the one that I haven't even conceived yet. Will they compare that child to the biological one that I have? Will they think this child less mine than the one I have? I have already heard comments from some of my family members - who told other family members - and of course it got back to me. They said "I just hope she doesn't go the donor egg route because that's just weird." What a horrible thing to say! What if I do go the donor egg route? Should I take that as you feel awkward around that child? Will you think of him or her as less of your nephew or niece? (yes, it was my brother who apparently said it). I'll be honest. It kind of breaks my heart to think about it. I think I just won't tell anyone. But then I wonder, will I be able to keep that kind of secret? This blog is what helps me get my ideas out and feel support from some of you. Will I have to keep it a secret here, too? Should I just not tell anyone?

Sorry for all of the ramblings. This is seriously what has been going on constantly in my head over the last several weeks. And the annoying thing is, I can't truly answer any of these questions until we get answers ourselves - Feb. 5th. Can it get here already?

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